Merry Ukranian Christmas!
I'll warn you in advance, I'm pretty drunk right now.
I just got back from Jolan's where we were celebrating Ukranian Christmas. Celebrating Ukranian Christmas consists of doing at least two of three things. The first is eating borstch, the second is eating perogies. If you want to be really traditional you can do the third, which is get drunk. This year, we opted for all three.
It's kind of hard to not drink at Jolan's house. You see, Jolan is my alcohol mom, or if you're in a hurry, my alcomom. My real mom will not rest if I do not have food in my hands. She has even gone so far as to requisition for me food when I have told her in very clear terms that I do not want to eat anything. My alcomom, conversely, will not rest unless I have a drink in my hands. I've developed the habit of drinking large amounts of water both before and after hanging out with Jolan in order to stave off the inevitable hangover that I know her strict policies will inflict on me.
Ukranian Christmas is a fun holiday for me because it's one of the few days of the year, if not the only day of the year, where I can revel in percution. Just listen. I'm a white, middle class, protestant male of average height and weight. Well, barely average weight, and those who know me will be amazed that I admit to that much, but I digress. The point is that in almost every way possible I belong to the majority, and thus have little to no ethnic, religious, or sexual pride. I can't be proud to be white, that's racism. I can't be proud to be raised in the Christian tradition because that makes me a bigot. I can't be proud to be male because that makes me a mysogonist. I can't be proud to be of average weight because that makes me a jerk.
Why does it make me a jerk? I can eat fast-food five meals a week and not gain any weight. Try not to hate me now.
Ukranian Christmas, however, is a different story. It's a holiday for Ukranians only. It's a day where we eat our weird and delicious Ukranian cuisine and delight in how much our ethnicity has been screwed over by communists.* We get to have a second mini-Christmas that all you folks who follow the so-called "correct" calendar don't have the opportunity to partake in.
So a merry Ukranian Christmas to one and all. If you're Ukranian, revel in your heritage of eating sour cabbage and sour cream, and having your landscape irradiated by Soviet technology gone awry. If you're not Ukranian, lie about it and eat our delicious sour food. Nobody will stop you. If you don't consider sour cream to be a viable condiment for all manners of food in all meals, then fuck you, you're not welcome here.
* When you're a white protestant male, you have the dubious distinction of being responsible for the majority of all wrongs perpetrated on the people of the world throughout the course of recorded history. The Crusades? White Christian Males. Colonialism? White Christian Males. Republicans? White Christian Males. Our only saving graces are Communism and Nazi-ism. No matter what we as a cultural/ethnic/religious group have done, at least we're not Communists or Nazis. The only things that me, a Jew, a gypsy, and a black guy have in common is that communistis and Nazis didn't like us very much and we like Guitar Hero. Being Ukranian makes me fit in with a wider percecution group and everyone loves Guitar Hero. Everyone.
I just got back from Jolan's where we were celebrating Ukranian Christmas. Celebrating Ukranian Christmas consists of doing at least two of three things. The first is eating borstch, the second is eating perogies. If you want to be really traditional you can do the third, which is get drunk. This year, we opted for all three.
It's kind of hard to not drink at Jolan's house. You see, Jolan is my alcohol mom, or if you're in a hurry, my alcomom. My real mom will not rest if I do not have food in my hands. She has even gone so far as to requisition for me food when I have told her in very clear terms that I do not want to eat anything. My alcomom, conversely, will not rest unless I have a drink in my hands. I've developed the habit of drinking large amounts of water both before and after hanging out with Jolan in order to stave off the inevitable hangover that I know her strict policies will inflict on me.
Ukranian Christmas is a fun holiday for me because it's one of the few days of the year, if not the only day of the year, where I can revel in percution. Just listen. I'm a white, middle class, protestant male of average height and weight. Well, barely average weight, and those who know me will be amazed that I admit to that much, but I digress. The point is that in almost every way possible I belong to the majority, and thus have little to no ethnic, religious, or sexual pride. I can't be proud to be white, that's racism. I can't be proud to be raised in the Christian tradition because that makes me a bigot. I can't be proud to be male because that makes me a mysogonist. I can't be proud to be of average weight because that makes me a jerk.
Why does it make me a jerk? I can eat fast-food five meals a week and not gain any weight. Try not to hate me now.
Ukranian Christmas, however, is a different story. It's a holiday for Ukranians only. It's a day where we eat our weird and delicious Ukranian cuisine and delight in how much our ethnicity has been screwed over by communists.* We get to have a second mini-Christmas that all you folks who follow the so-called "correct" calendar don't have the opportunity to partake in.
So a merry Ukranian Christmas to one and all. If you're Ukranian, revel in your heritage of eating sour cabbage and sour cream, and having your landscape irradiated by Soviet technology gone awry. If you're not Ukranian, lie about it and eat our delicious sour food. Nobody will stop you. If you don't consider sour cream to be a viable condiment for all manners of food in all meals, then fuck you, you're not welcome here.
* When you're a white protestant male, you have the dubious distinction of being responsible for the majority of all wrongs perpetrated on the people of the world throughout the course of recorded history. The Crusades? White Christian Males. Colonialism? White Christian Males. Republicans? White Christian Males. Our only saving graces are Communism and Nazi-ism. No matter what we as a cultural/ethnic/religious group have done, at least we're not Communists or Nazis. The only things that me, a Jew, a gypsy, and a black guy have in common is that communistis and Nazis didn't like us very much and we like Guitar Hero. Being Ukranian makes me fit in with a wider percecution group and everyone loves Guitar Hero. Everyone.
posted by B-Boy Nothing at 7:31 PM
2 Comments:
Hey Evan!
For being drunk I'm impressed...I only found one obvious spelling mistake! I guess the grammar nazi in you still functions when drunk.
Now I get why you were so sore about me making fun of your Ukranianism.
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