A bitter rant typed while riding public transport -or- I am riding the motherfucking bus right now
New year's resolution: do more writing. As part of that, I'd like to make my unceremonius return to blogging. New beginnings couldn't be more humble - I am writing this on the bus, and thus it is going to be more bitter and hate filled where it concerns you, the humans.
"Why bitter?" The curious inquire. Bitter because I am on public transport. There are many things that bother me about public transport, and chief among them is the public. If you're new to this blog and me I'll let you know straight out that humans aren't my favourite people. Looking around the bus right now I can see at least five examples of long-term human failure. Yes, I am talking to you, public-display-of-affection guy. - hate to be the one to tell you this but you're way more into your girlfriend than she is into you. You are also three inches shorter and it makes you look silly standing beside her.
Speaking of humanity at its most depressing, have you ever tried to engage a semi-attractive teenage McDonalds employee in casual conversation? It's more futile than trying to jerk off a brick. The brick would also be more responsive. If you deviate even slightly from the standard customer-employee interaction script they totally lock up and try to look as cute as possible while trying desperately to hide the fact that the portion of their brain that governs intermediate-level conversation shut down permenantly in 2002. After a failed attempt to be civilized and engage her intellectually I just gave up and ordered my McNuggets. I have never seen anyone look more relieved.
You would think making a pointed list of human inadequacy like this would bring a guy like me down, but this has been the best part of my day. Earlier in the week Anna accused me of being a snob and an elitist, and in a misguided effort to portray myself as a decent person I protested and said that I was firm but fair, and not, in fact, a monster. I was soon to find that I was living a lie. Being a decent human being is just not working out for me, so I'm going back to being sub-human with everyone else. I feel so good about this I want to sing songs. Terrible, horrible, songs of hate for the asshole bus driver that just left me stranded at the airport even though I was running to catch his bus FUCK.
Note to self: put that last bit in italics during editing to give a sense of urgency and clearly demarcate where we went from planned text to actual natural anger. Otherwise my readers might not know that I typed that last bit while standing in the cold at the bus stop, thinking of ways to murder said bus driver and invent gloves that allow you to type on a blaclberry so you can curse public transit employees while not freezing the fuck out of your fingers.
Note to self: leave the first note to self in the final version. It might be funny. This one too.
Did I mention I was going to the airport on the bus? It's the majority reason that I'm so resentful. I just flew home and for the second time in as many flights they lost my baggage. Normally this wouldn't surprise me because I flew through Toronto and the mutants that Pearson International has grown to handle baggage there are clearly sub-par, even when compared to other mutants. This time, however, the bags didn't even make it to Toronto. They somehow failed to be loaded onto the first flight - a flight from an airport that does not generally staff with mutants. Then I get a call saying that my bag has arrived but they can't deliver it until tomorrow. I can pick it up, but it means taking the bus and going to the Ottawa airport. This is especially traumatizing because of the length of the trip. The Ottawa airport is basically in northern Manitoba. If you have to take the bus there, pack a lunch. The only reason I undertook this quest is because everything in my life that brings me joy (my laptop and my new wii, full stop) are in that bag and my life is an empty void without it. There was an audible gasp of glee when I got my bag short minutes ago. Then the guy at baggage services dropped it. Then he appoplogized, picked it up, and gave it to me. Men have killed for less.
This ordeal would normally push me right over the edge but I've already lost focus and am now hating that bus driver. Tip to my readers - if I am ever angry with you just put me on public transit and I'll forget all about whatever I was mad about. I'll also run home to blog about being angry before I can hurt anyone, so your conscisnce will be safe.
"Why bitter?" The curious inquire. Bitter because I am on public transport. There are many things that bother me about public transport, and chief among them is the public. If you're new to this blog and me I'll let you know straight out that humans aren't my favourite people. Looking around the bus right now I can see at least five examples of long-term human failure. Yes, I am talking to you, public-display-of-affection guy. - hate to be the one to tell you this but you're way more into your girlfriend than she is into you. You are also three inches shorter and it makes you look silly standing beside her.
Speaking of humanity at its most depressing, have you ever tried to engage a semi-attractive teenage McDonalds employee in casual conversation? It's more futile than trying to jerk off a brick. The brick would also be more responsive. If you deviate even slightly from the standard customer-employee interaction script they totally lock up and try to look as cute as possible while trying desperately to hide the fact that the portion of their brain that governs intermediate-level conversation shut down permenantly in 2002. After a failed attempt to be civilized and engage her intellectually I just gave up and ordered my McNuggets. I have never seen anyone look more relieved.
You would think making a pointed list of human inadequacy like this would bring a guy like me down, but this has been the best part of my day. Earlier in the week Anna accused me of being a snob and an elitist, and in a misguided effort to portray myself as a decent person I protested and said that I was firm but fair, and not, in fact, a monster. I was soon to find that I was living a lie. Being a decent human being is just not working out for me, so I'm going back to being sub-human with everyone else. I feel so good about this I want to sing songs. Terrible, horrible, songs of hate for the asshole bus driver that just left me stranded at the airport even though I was running to catch his bus FUCK.
Note to self: put that last bit in italics during editing to give a sense of urgency and clearly demarcate where we went from planned text to actual natural anger. Otherwise my readers might not know that I typed that last bit while standing in the cold at the bus stop, thinking of ways to murder said bus driver and invent gloves that allow you to type on a blaclberry so you can curse public transit employees while not freezing the fuck out of your fingers.
Note to self: leave the first note to self in the final version. It might be funny. This one too.
Did I mention I was going to the airport on the bus? It's the majority reason that I'm so resentful. I just flew home and for the second time in as many flights they lost my baggage. Normally this wouldn't surprise me because I flew through Toronto and the mutants that Pearson International has grown to handle baggage there are clearly sub-par, even when compared to other mutants. This time, however, the bags didn't even make it to Toronto. They somehow failed to be loaded onto the first flight - a flight from an airport that does not generally staff with mutants. Then I get a call saying that my bag has arrived but they can't deliver it until tomorrow. I can pick it up, but it means taking the bus and going to the Ottawa airport. This is especially traumatizing because of the length of the trip. The Ottawa airport is basically in northern Manitoba. If you have to take the bus there, pack a lunch. The only reason I undertook this quest is because everything in my life that brings me joy (my laptop and my new wii, full stop) are in that bag and my life is an empty void without it. There was an audible gasp of glee when I got my bag short minutes ago. Then the guy at baggage services dropped it. Then he appoplogized, picked it up, and gave it to me. Men have killed for less.
This ordeal would normally push me right over the edge but I've already lost focus and am now hating that bus driver. Tip to my readers - if I am ever angry with you just put me on public transit and I'll forget all about whatever I was mad about. I'll also run home to blog about being angry before I can hurt anyone, so your conscisnce will be safe.
posted by B-Boy Nothing at 4:43 PM
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