Mr. Clean makes me call him Daddy

Once every four or five years (translation: whenever a girl comes over to my house) I get a tremendous urge to clean. It goes beyond a desire to clean the house - something from beyond seizes control of my body and I go on an unrelenting cleaning binge. I am no longer just a man, I am posessed by a cleaning demon. It reminds me of my mother.

Such a spirit overcame me today, and it was not pretty. I was fixing websites about three hours ago, and then I kind of blacked out. I remember bits and pieces of washing windows, and one clear moment when I inhaled a lot of bleach that temporairly brought me back to my senses. I remember being over the toilet with at least two kinds of cleaners, then I blacked out again.

The cleaning demon is fierce. Not only do I feel the need to remove every speck of dirt and grime from my house, I attempt to clean it so hard that the force of my cleaning travels backward through time and stops the dirt from ever having existed. I have actually accomplished this feat on more than one occasion. My appartment not only has to be clean, it must be spotless and sanitary, even in the places that I only ever look when the cleaning spirit has posessed me, such as under the microwave. If you've never looked underneath your microwave, don't. You're happier not knowing. In fact, don't look inside or behind your microwave either. Close your eyes, put the food in, hit buttons, and walk away. If you really want to be happy about the state of your microwave, you will learn to navigate its control panel by touch alone and never look at it again. Ideally you will forget what colour it is.