Goodbye Technology

Technology, you and I have always got along well. You've given me years of gainful employment, and I've always done my best to remedy you when you were feeling buggy. I consider you an old and dear friend, which is why it hurts me so much to have to say this:

I'm breaking up with you. You've gone too far, technology, and I just won't take it anymore.

Why am I so pissed off at you? Like you don't know. You know that me and printers don't get along well, but what you've done to me over the last two days has just been cold. Ice Cold. I want to print invitations. I want to use the manual feeder tray. Don't tell me that my one page document is two pages. Don't tell me that there's no standard letter size in tray two. It is one page, there is letter in tray two. Don't Lie To Me. Moreover, don't make me stand there and constantly press the over-ride button so you can keep rubbing your dirty dirty lies in my face. I have spent half an hour just standing at that printer looking like a loser because of you. That is unforgivable.

It's not just the printer either. I know you're fucking with my MSN. I've uninstalled, I've reinstalled, I've unpatched, I've repatched, and yet you persist in being bat shit loco. When I first found that I could run MSN on both my computers simeltaneously, it was a curious bug that I found humours. Now I'm doing it just to make it work properly. That's not just mean, that's plain sick.

Speaking of sick, why didn't you involve anybody with english as a first language in the construction of my router? After spending an hour trying to upgrade my security setting on it, I gave up, because all of the documentation is in Engrish. Want to know what Engrish is? Go to any free online translator, type in any sizable amount of text, translate it into Japanese, and then translate that back into English, and you get Engrish. Not only was the router made by Engrish speakers, I think it was made in Engrand. Technology, you have screwed me on the printer, you have screwed me on MSN, and you have screwed me on the router.

Technology, it is over between us. Come and pick up your t-shirts and your Black Sabbath albums. Take those mixtapes you made for me too. They sucked. When I said that I liked them I lied. Who makes a mixtape that is only Kraftwerk anyway? Get a life! When I see you on the street, I don't know you. Just keep walking. You've changed, technology. We had something beautiful and you ruined it.

I'll never love again