Dear Crazy People
Crazy people of Canada, a moment of your precious time.
A great many of you have discovered the fact that postage to Members of Parliament is free of charge. Though your days are no doubt packed with doing whatever it is that crazy people do, you take time out of your busy schedule to write letters to Ottawa. You hope that these letters will reach the MP to which they are addressed, but in reality they are opened, read, and subsequently thrown away by the lowliest employees on the Hill, like me. In the short time that I have been in Ottawa, I have thrown away a great many crazy letters, so I consider myself a source on the subject. That is why today I am going to render to you my expertise. Would you like to have your letters replied to with a carefully worded form letter rather than chucked into the massive pile of unanswered crazy letters, then today is your lucky day! I present to you Evan's Ten-Point Plan to Writing Less-Crazy Letters.
1. Presentation
Put away the Bic and the notepad. If you're crazy, chances are your handwriting is illegible. When I get a sheet of notepaper with messy handwriting crowding every inch of space, it generally gets thrown away right off. Nothing says "I Am A Crazy Fucker" like total lack of concern for presentation. Never write in pencil. Use a computer, use a typewriter, or at least double space. If you do these things, I may read your letter for long enough for the next points to come into play.
2. Make Sense
I know that your ramblings make sense in your own mind, but please humour me and dumb it down just slightly for my benefit. For example, it is a good idea to tell me what on God's green Earth you are writing about. Context is required. For example, "this injustice," is a slightly vague term. So is "the criminal acts of ______." Please explain which injustice, which criminal acts. In fact, steer well away from pronouns for the first paragraph altogether. If God is telling you to do something, tell me specifically what it is and why. Lacking appropriate context, I will presume you are writing about gay marriage and throw away your letter.
3. No Ranting
This may come as a shock to you, but I am not obligated to read your entire letter. If you rant for five pages I am not going to read it. You will get the first and last page read, then thrown away. If your life is so terrible that you have to write so much about it, chances are your problems go above and beyond the powers of a Member of Parliament. Consider therapy, faking your own death, or actual death.
4. Do Not Quote Scripture
Say that I'm reading your letter and you're ranting about what I can only presume to be gay marriage. I'm about to throw away your letter when I reach paragraph three and there is an Old Testament quote written in bold text. Woah! Hold on a minute! Do you mean to say that the Bible says something that you are taking entirely out of context? That changes everything. Thank the good Lord that you put that in bold or else I might have missed this crutial bit of evidence that totally make your argument hold water. I'll go put this on my MP's desk right away. Okay, sarcasm aside, let me state this once and for all Biblical quotes do not an argument make. For every Biblical reference you make for a cause, there is another one against it. Plus, if God was really on your side would you have to be writing crazy letters, or even be crazy in the first place?
5. The Law is Not on Your Side
If you really did have a legitimate legal case, your lawyer would be writing to our lawyer. You (crazy person) would not be writing to me (guy who makes the coffee). Do not threaten us with legal action - we will generally call your bluff. Even more important: do not fake legal documentation. Just because you write it in what you think is a relative equalivent to legal jargon does not make it threatening. Let me remind you Parliament Hill is staffed primairly by lawyers with an actual understanding of the law, unlike your fake understanding of the law.
6. Do Not Ask For Money
We are not going to give you money. Seriously. None. I don't care if your house burnt down and you got fired and God wants you to do something but you need money to do it, we will not cut you a cheque. No offence, but that's just not how we roll. If you choose to disregard this advice, then at the very least ask for a logical sum of money. Asking for a couple thousand makes you hard done by and unrealistic about the role of your elected representatives. I will feel slight sadness when I throw your letter away. Asking for Fifty Billion dollars makes you a nutbar. I will throw your letter away with glee. A good rule of thumb to follow: If the amount you are asking for can be represented by a double-digit percentage of Canada's total budget, you are likely crazy.
7. You Are Not Smarter Than Us
If you really were as brilliant as you think you are, you would have better things to do with your time than write crazy letters. I know that your ideas sound good to you, but they are not. The Government of Canada employs a staggering number of very intelligent people that guide our policy. You, crazy person, are not likely to have an incredible idea that your govenment has never thought of. More importantly, individual Members of Parliament, especially opposition members, do not have the power to direct our economic policy, our military policy, our foreign policy, and the foreign policies of other nations. Do everybody a favour and educate yourself as to how the government works. It will save you time spent writing crazy letters and me time spent throwing them away.
8. No Anti-Semitism
I am quite frankly shocked that I need to explain this to you, but the Jews are not out to get you. Big business, maybe. Aliens, maybe. North Korea, maybe. Mr. Goldman, no. I cannot stress this enough, if you blame the Jews, I throw your letter away. I will not read the rest of it, I will not file it for future reference, I will not even finish the sentence. I will throw your crazy letter away and get on to something worth my time, which is generally laughing with my co-workers about the crazy person that just wrote blaming the Jews for their problems.
9. No Pictures of Yourself
No. Just..... no.
10. Get A Photocopier
When writing your crazy letter, make it standard, photocopy the hell out of it, and send it to every Member of Parliament and every Senator. Seriously. If you do so then everyone can read it, everyone can throw it out, and it becomes the responsibility of no one. If it actually has something to do with a government ministry, then the Minister responsible for it will get the letter, and I won't have to even consider forwarding it to ruin someone else's day. Do the leg-work for us, and save everybody some time.
Take this guide to heart, crazy people, when you next desire to write a letter to your elected representatives. If you follow these instructions you will write letters that are less crazy, or better yet, not write at all.
A great many of you have discovered the fact that postage to Members of Parliament is free of charge. Though your days are no doubt packed with doing whatever it is that crazy people do, you take time out of your busy schedule to write letters to Ottawa. You hope that these letters will reach the MP to which they are addressed, but in reality they are opened, read, and subsequently thrown away by the lowliest employees on the Hill, like me. In the short time that I have been in Ottawa, I have thrown away a great many crazy letters, so I consider myself a source on the subject. That is why today I am going to render to you my expertise. Would you like to have your letters replied to with a carefully worded form letter rather than chucked into the massive pile of unanswered crazy letters, then today is your lucky day! I present to you Evan's Ten-Point Plan to Writing Less-Crazy Letters.
1. Presentation
Put away the Bic and the notepad. If you're crazy, chances are your handwriting is illegible. When I get a sheet of notepaper with messy handwriting crowding every inch of space, it generally gets thrown away right off. Nothing says "I Am A Crazy Fucker" like total lack of concern for presentation. Never write in pencil. Use a computer, use a typewriter, or at least double space. If you do these things, I may read your letter for long enough for the next points to come into play.
2. Make Sense
I know that your ramblings make sense in your own mind, but please humour me and dumb it down just slightly for my benefit. For example, it is a good idea to tell me what on God's green Earth you are writing about. Context is required. For example, "this injustice," is a slightly vague term. So is "the criminal acts of ______." Please explain which injustice, which criminal acts. In fact, steer well away from pronouns for the first paragraph altogether. If God is telling you to do something, tell me specifically what it is and why. Lacking appropriate context, I will presume you are writing about gay marriage and throw away your letter.
3. No Ranting
This may come as a shock to you, but I am not obligated to read your entire letter. If you rant for five pages I am not going to read it. You will get the first and last page read, then thrown away. If your life is so terrible that you have to write so much about it, chances are your problems go above and beyond the powers of a Member of Parliament. Consider therapy, faking your own death, or actual death.
4. Do Not Quote Scripture
Say that I'm reading your letter and you're ranting about what I can only presume to be gay marriage. I'm about to throw away your letter when I reach paragraph three and there is an Old Testament quote written in bold text. Woah! Hold on a minute! Do you mean to say that the Bible says something that you are taking entirely out of context? That changes everything. Thank the good Lord that you put that in bold or else I might have missed this crutial bit of evidence that totally make your argument hold water. I'll go put this on my MP's desk right away. Okay, sarcasm aside, let me state this once and for all Biblical quotes do not an argument make. For every Biblical reference you make for a cause, there is another one against it. Plus, if God was really on your side would you have to be writing crazy letters, or even be crazy in the first place?
5. The Law is Not on Your Side
If you really did have a legitimate legal case, your lawyer would be writing to our lawyer. You (crazy person) would not be writing to me (guy who makes the coffee). Do not threaten us with legal action - we will generally call your bluff. Even more important: do not fake legal documentation. Just because you write it in what you think is a relative equalivent to legal jargon does not make it threatening. Let me remind you Parliament Hill is staffed primairly by lawyers with an actual understanding of the law, unlike your fake understanding of the law.
6. Do Not Ask For Money
We are not going to give you money. Seriously. None. I don't care if your house burnt down and you got fired and God wants you to do something but you need money to do it, we will not cut you a cheque. No offence, but that's just not how we roll. If you choose to disregard this advice, then at the very least ask for a logical sum of money. Asking for a couple thousand makes you hard done by and unrealistic about the role of your elected representatives. I will feel slight sadness when I throw your letter away. Asking for Fifty Billion dollars makes you a nutbar. I will throw your letter away with glee. A good rule of thumb to follow: If the amount you are asking for can be represented by a double-digit percentage of Canada's total budget, you are likely crazy.
7. You Are Not Smarter Than Us
If you really were as brilliant as you think you are, you would have better things to do with your time than write crazy letters. I know that your ideas sound good to you, but they are not. The Government of Canada employs a staggering number of very intelligent people that guide our policy. You, crazy person, are not likely to have an incredible idea that your govenment has never thought of. More importantly, individual Members of Parliament, especially opposition members, do not have the power to direct our economic policy, our military policy, our foreign policy, and the foreign policies of other nations. Do everybody a favour and educate yourself as to how the government works. It will save you time spent writing crazy letters and me time spent throwing them away.
8. No Anti-Semitism
I am quite frankly shocked that I need to explain this to you, but the Jews are not out to get you. Big business, maybe. Aliens, maybe. North Korea, maybe. Mr. Goldman, no. I cannot stress this enough, if you blame the Jews, I throw your letter away. I will not read the rest of it, I will not file it for future reference, I will not even finish the sentence. I will throw your crazy letter away and get on to something worth my time, which is generally laughing with my co-workers about the crazy person that just wrote blaming the Jews for their problems.
9. No Pictures of Yourself
No. Just..... no.
10. Get A Photocopier
When writing your crazy letter, make it standard, photocopy the hell out of it, and send it to every Member of Parliament and every Senator. Seriously. If you do so then everyone can read it, everyone can throw it out, and it becomes the responsibility of no one. If it actually has something to do with a government ministry, then the Minister responsible for it will get the letter, and I won't have to even consider forwarding it to ruin someone else's day. Do the leg-work for us, and save everybody some time.
Take this guide to heart, crazy people, when you next desire to write a letter to your elected representatives. If you follow these instructions you will write letters that are less crazy, or better yet, not write at all.
posted by B-Boy Nothing at 1:14 PM
2 Comments:
"...if God was really on your side would you have to be writing crazy letters, or even be crazy in the first place?"
Ahahahahaha!
*love*
That was awesome! How much did that cost me in tax? Whatever the amount, it was worthwhile... In fact, I encourage you to use work hours to write if your posts are going to be so enjoyable.
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