Editoralizing

"If you want to editoralize go into your room, close the door, and do it."
         James D. Maunder, Roommate

I'll do just that. Prepare to rue this day.

I've never been one to paddle my own canoe, but when I lay claim to knowing my shit on a subject, I know my shit. There isn't a great many subjects that I will say this about, but one of them is oranges. You heard correctly, Oranges.

The navel orange is proof that there is a loving God subtly directing the evolution of the species on this planet. Why else would there be something so delicious literally hanging from the trees, waiting on pins and needles for someone to come along and enjoy it? The very existence of the navel orange is a favour from a divine power, end of story. I got to know this little miracle intimately during my three year tour of duty in the front-lines of a produce department. The produce department is a lot like Viet Nam. You go there and it changes you, you don't want to talk about it afterwards, it leaves you with scars both emotional and physical, and sometimes you shoot your best friend in the back. Mike, can I get a witness to this?

That's neither here nor there. The point is that I spent more time in the company of fruit by the age of eighteen than most people will in their entire lives. This is not something that is particulairly braggable. However, you learn things in this time, and one of them being what constitutes a good navel orange. I've handled and eaten a lot of them, both good and bad, and my discussion on the subject of all things orange (in both colour and name) is to be respected as sage wisdom.

Are you ruing yet, James? If not, this is where you can start.

So, when I need a late-night snack and grab a fresh orange out of the fridge, I am not simply eating, I am about to, as James Brown would put it, "Get Up And Do My Thang." When I sink teeth into that orange and suddenly realize that this very orange I am eating is in fact extremely delicious, I am not saying that as a layman from the street. This is years of experience talking. I expect a little deference to my judgement. At the very least, shut your God damn mouth and respect my authority on the subject because I am about to take you to school. Next time, pay attention. You might learn something.

You can stop ruing now, I'm done emasculating you.