In Defence of Paris Hilton, an Experiment in Devil's Advocacy

I never thought I would find myself saying this, but I have sympathy for Paris Hilton. Even though I have been quoted in past as saying that she is "representative of everything that is wrong with humanity," I have actually found myself having sympathy for her. Somewhere beneath my exterior of stone, a heart beats.

So she's a blatantly stupid bitch that ignored the law, and to send a message to her and perhaps the rest of Hollywood, the judge in her case sent her to prison without avenue for appeal. When I heard this I was among the throng that took to the streets cheering and waving flags, thinking that perhaps humanity might yet turn itself around. I was very cool with locking her up for a couple months. It builds character. Paris could use some character. Character, a couple sandwiches, and some volume in her hair.

So her and her mother that is insane as Paris is shallow and P-Hizzle herself raise a stink about this for a few days, but eventually they saw the writing on the wall, and she reported to jail early. If it was a PR stunt, well played. I never thought I'd be able to consider her as having a shred of dignity (and I saw her crappy, crappy sex tape, so that's what kind of dignity deficit she's working from) but I actually thought this was a classy move.

Incidentally, if my knowledge of this case shocks you, you're obviously not keeping up with perezhilton.com. It's like watching the trainwreck of humanity, updated 24 hours a day, with video.

So, finally to my point, they lock Paris up and she immediately goes into full mental breakdown. This should surprise no one. Paris does not have a mind like you or I do. Hers is a fragile, barely functional brain that can barely handle loud noises and sudden movements, let alone life outside of her protective shell of bodyguards, publicists, fitness consultants, serving staff, and a seven person entourage. Throwing her in prison is like taking an animal that has lived its life in captivity, then one afternoon tossing it out into the jungle with a bell around its neck. She's not designed for life in the real world, people.

Perhaps her constant sobbing was disturbing the others in her cell block, or the sheriff was tired of the publicity, or everyone just wanted this nightmare to end, but for one reason or another she got sent home. I'm also strangely cool with this. Her three days in prison have easily been the worst experience of her life, and have likely made as much of an impact as anything can on her. Three days or three months, she'll show newfound appreciation for her life so long as her memory span allows (two weeks?) At the very least it got her PR team to switch to "as much dignity as possible" mode from "Sex tapes are Awesome, yeah!" mode. We should consider this a victory for all humanity.

Then, the sympathy. She gets hauled back to court, and told that no, she isn't going to get out of jail, she has to go back. What the hell? Is it even constitutional to turn someone into a legal yo-yo like that? Unless someone sucked a whole mess of dick and a ton of bribes were passed, I think this is ridiculous. The prison obviously doesn't want her there. If it's within their power to give her the boot, let them. Don't play legal ping-pong with Paris's empty head. That's just cruel and unusual punishment, especially for someone who gets mesmerized by bright and shiny objects. If the prison doesn't want her, send her home. That ankle tracking bracelet coordinates with nothing and she won't be able to go out and drink her face off with Lindsey Lohan or Nicole Richie (who would skip out on rehab or risk FAS, respectively.) To Paris, an un-managable accessory and the inability to enjoy a VIP room is a form of living hell. Every day from now we keep her locked up, we only improve her publicity, and the only way we're going to make this wound on humanity heal is if we stop picking at it.