TGIF

There's something about Fridays that brings the crazies out of the woodwork and into our mailbox. Not to say that this week hasn't been especially eventful in the office already, but that's a story that you'll have to ask me about in person when the prying eyes of the internets aren't spying on my every word. In any case, the fact remains that in an exceptionally crazy week, this friday's mail was something special. One letter from God, a notice of action from Beefcake Bob; accusations, expectations, renunciations, and flirtations; another letter from a certified mental patient, but it was a free member of society that declared that we would all burn in hell. There's just no justice in the system.

Today is my last day in this office. I start my new (real) job on monday. I'm going to miss this place: the mid-day beers, the great co-workers, and yes even the crazy letters. It's just sinking in now that my daily dosage of insanity, ignorance, and stupidity from the general public of Canada will be coming to a close. I'm somewhat saddened by this. If not for the crazy people, who will threaten me? Who will tell me that the world is a pit of sin? Who will blame the Jews for all the problems of the world? Who will mis-construe biblical verses to excuse everything from hating the homosexuals to the construction of mud-brick huts in the wilderness (actual letter). Who will push the boundaries of illegible handwriting and insane requests? How will I go on without the same old bastard that has written to me every day for an entire year demanding fifty billion dollars from the government for a reason he has never fully articulated?! Oh Bob.... I'm going to miss Bob the most.

So, to all of you crazy letter writers out there, it's been a slice. I've had fun laughing at your insane rantings, and then throwing them out. You've given me my first blood-enemy, the guy that is responsible for making mail to Members of Parliament free of charge. I hate that guy so much. You've taught me so many amazing things, like the Jews drop beetles on your house, or that AIDS is created by the frothing asses of homosexuals, or that the living incarnation of the devil is destroying your life. You all have given me a new and profound appreciation for my sanity.

I'm done with you all. I'm washing my hands of your crazy letters and walking away. From now on, it's just website development and graphics design for this guy. I'm going off to greener pastures to deal with people that matter. If you want to show your appreciation for my dutiful attention to your thoughts, and my judicious discarding of your letters, then I suggest you take the following words to heart - the words that have been spoken so many times to so many people in search of answers and direction:

Don't call us, we'll call you.