A night at the Heart and Crown

Wound up at the Heart and Crown, the bar that will someday consume the whole world, hanging out with a lot of bureaucrats last night. This may sound lame, but it's actually a lot of fun, provided you can pry their Blackberry from their grip long enough to get a word out of them. Regardless, hanging out led to wings, wings led to drinks, drinks led to shots, and shots led to getting a job interview. Somehow, while drunk, I convinced someone that I should work for them. I had an interview today. Could start as early as next week.

Okay, on to important matters. I need to talk to the guys for a second. Girls, you can go. Thanks for visiting. Boys, you all with me now? Good. Pay attention.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Really, I watched you flirt with my friend all night, and you are not only bad at it, you have zero tactical skill. I mean you are really, really poor at flirting. Now I'm not about to claim that I'm especially good with flirtation; my dating record will indicate that I'm not very good at it at all, actually. That being said, I have a wealth of experience in getting shot down, and consequently in not flirting. I have learned from my mistakes. The guys at the bar last night have not. So, for the benefit of the slow learners with us, welcome to Flirtation 105: When to Not Flirt.

First Lesson: Pick your Battles
Are you forty? If so, don't hit on the twenty-one year old girls. That's going to get you nowhere. Are you too drunk to dance? If so, you're also too drunk to flirt. Go home. Is the girl you want to flirt with already with a guy? If so, if she's not dating him then you're at least second in line. Chances are she is not interested. Take a page from the book of Kenny Rogers: you gotta know when to hold em and know when to fold em.

Second Lesson: Know when to give up
If you have to talk a girl into taking your phone number, she is not going to call you. If you have drunkenly approached a girl and started to grind with her, and both her and the boy with her have looked at you like you're a creep, consider this a sign that you should move along, not try harder. Remember: there are billions of girls in the world, but you only get one sense of dignity. Preserve it.

Third Lesson: What the hell are you? A robot?
There are guys out there that seem to follow the Flirtation Checklist:
step one: act interested.
step two: close physical distance.
step three: compliment.
step four: casual touching.
Now, I'm not about to say the checklist is useless, there's some wisdom in there, but understand that you are not the first person to ever employ this method. It is extremely played. If you approach in this manner and think you are being subtle and playing it cool, you are not. You are being very clear about your intentions, and if you do not get immediate positive feedback, cut your losses. Remember what I said about dignity.

Keep these tips, and your dignity, in mind and you'll spend less time making an ass out of yourself.